I don’t expect anyone to understand me, I just expect someone to listen. Never did I think that even to have that kind of expectation is too high.
Sometimes families can bring you the biggest joy to your life but they can hurt you the most, they give you the most pain and say stuff you wouldn’t even wish on your enemy.
I make mistakes, but now my problem is, do I leave my home for good and gain inner peace with myself or do I stay and put up with it all and become the person I hate I was. I’m so full of anger that am ashamed, I don’t speak to anyone anymore, I don’t share anything with anyone, because no one can be trusted. Friends become a distant memory and family has become a forced responsibility.
I’m at a place where I just remove myself from a situation and avoid confrontation, I keep my self confined within 4 walls and barricade the door so no one can disturb, I speak when am spoken to, only to answer questions.
This isn’t living anymore, this is just existing.
I was in the art building working late night thinking I could catch up on my work, but I have seem to hit a mental block, I don’t know how I can carry on my project in a way that would be interesting to the viewers. I had ideas of creating an installation, printing on to glass, creating images that form optical illusions but trying to carry out such ambitious ideas seems to be a struggle. I fear the only person that’s stopping me from doing we’ll is me, myself. It sounds strange but I feel like I have lost interest in my work, I get easily distracted by my personal problems so much it has become a hinderance.
I regret starting my contextual log book soo late, it’s time I learn from my mistakes now and be more better prepared for the next year.
To work towards my goal I have to be more organised in terms of my work as we’ll as thoughts. I can’t let things get to me so easily.
There is light at the end of the tunnel I just have to travel far to reach it.
The image I used is from my own photography, I started to become fascinated by natural lights and the aura it can create, when I stayed at my mums house i burned scented candles as it created a delicious aroma. I want to expand this idea more in my current project at uni.
I wanted to experiment with different natural lighting, this time i did not want to edit the original image, i wanted to learn how to create an effective and strong image by manipulating light and darkness. i wanted the lights and dark to work aside cohesively to create an interesting image.
Yesterday I decided to take a trip to London, I wanted to escape from Coventry but I didn’t want to go Birmingham, it was lovely.
The goal I set my self was to go check out the barbican exhibition hall for some inspiration for my art work but I was more inspired by the journey. I ended up taking 10 tubes because my useful partner thought he was sat nav but his battery was clearly low and we got lost. It was delightful having company, I usually go to galleries on my own because I haven’t met anyone as enthusiastic as me or shared similar interest. I was so lost in London I found places that were more beautiful and peaceful amongst the rush hour. I never took notice of the stalls till yesterday or appreciated all the lights in London. It was great walking amongst a crown and having no one recognise me.
However, I did enjoy a lovely hot chocolate and croissant, oh the taste, it was beautiful. Crispy yet a soft pastry and chocolate so rich that I can still taste it, with the addition of the whipped cream with chocolate, fabulous.
I haven’t blogged in a while, and I quite miss it, promise to update regularly now.
At uni I decided to work under lens base I chose it because I quite enjoyed it last time and I found it easier to self reflect on myself as a person.
I called this image a whirlpool of commotion, I felt this name was appropriate because the past few weeks I was being surround by drama and it affected me as a person and my confidence hit an all time low… I was contained in my own surrounding unable to cope with the pressures of being a student, friend, sister, aunt and daughter. People expect me to excel and I try to but something knocks me down or gets too much and I feel like quitting. When I reach this point I confide in my own pillow, and start to become full of anger and bitterness I result in becoming intoxicated by all the drama.
I don’t understand the concept of self pity but I feel like when I talk to someone in confidence it empowers me.
I feel exhausted, shattered, upset… Putting on a face so no one knows how you feel. Wanting to say how you feel but you don’t want to be a burden, losing concentration in my work.
I feel lost, as though i have no one even if I am surrounded by close family and friends.
I need peace, clarity and to live in serenity.
Making baby steps to make a life for myself and just moving away from my past, it’s hard saying bye. Mum saying I should be a big girl and not cry, if only she knew.
Trusting people was always difficult, so I don’t trust no one, it’s true what people say “even your shadow disappears in the dark”.
I can’t live to the standard of my family, I can’t am a black sheep amongst the herd. I keep chanting to myself “in time things will be better” but it doesn’t. I have become so pessimistic- I don’t like this person I have become.